You're Killin' Me Smalls!
by WannaBeBabe
Summary: Part of the Babetag challenge. A one-shot about Ranger discovering what his men were up to while he was out of town.


_**This is the next chapter in the Babe Tag Challenge story. A big thank you to Spiffytgm for tagging me and giving me the line "Goonies never die" to play with (One of my favorite movies, btw). Plus, she gave me some very fun content to play with. I hope this is as good as the rest of the story so far. If you haven't followed along yet, check out BabeTagHEA for all the other one shots that make up this story.**_

 _ **My title is from the movie The Sandlot and the last line is a nice little quote from Laurel and Hardy, which I thought would be appropriate for Lester and Bobby.**_

 _ **Not my characters of course, like always, just thought I'd throw that in there.**_

 _ **88888888888888888888888888888**_

 **You're Killin' Me Smalls!**

" **Goonies never die**?" Ranger said incredulously.

"What?"

"I'm going to need a dozen crates," he mumbled to himself.

"Crates?"

"They're all going to third world countries."

Uh oh. He usually only joked about sending people to third world countries, but he looked to be quite serious at the moment. "Who are you planning to ship off?" I asked casually as I walked over and perched on the edge of his desk. I could see the tension in his face. The little lines around his eyes deepened. The hard, straight press of his lips were turning the sweet dusky rose color white. The way he ground his teeth together made the muscles in his jaw twitch. It was worse than I thought. "What did they do?"

"Did the men happen to mention anything about what's been happening in Trenton this past week?" I frowned back at him as I shook my head. "Just that my mom was out of jail and forcibly dry…for now."

"That was the good news," he sighed.

Uh no. Ranger never sighed. I'd say he was overreacting if he was anyone else, but Ranger never overreacts to anything. Believe me. I've given him plenty of opportunities over the years. Still, if something really bad had happened the guys would have said so. We just saw them at the volleyball tourney last weekend.

I glanced at the computer for a little insight, but instead my eyes grew wider as I looked at the words that stuck out on the screen. "The Booby Bungalow?"

Ranger shook his head while he dragged his fingers through his silky, dark hair. "Tank took some time off to go to a cat show," Ranger started, then pinched the space between his eyes like this whole thing was paining him. "A cat show…with his new girlfriend, Louise Malinkowski."

"Oh, I like Louise," I smiled as I remembered Louise telling me about her cats the last time I got stitches.

"Mmm," Ranger agreed. "He left Dumb and Dumber in charge while he's been away. I just got their weekly reports."

I bit back a laugh, realizing that he wouldn't appreciate it, but I'd never heard him call Bobby and Les names before. "That bad?" I asked with as straight a face as I could manage.

He pulled me into his lap and settled me against him, back to front. He tucked his chin on my shoulder while rubbing his nose against my neck. "Read it," he whispered to me.

I could barely focus on the screen with his hands slipping under my tee shirt to rub little patterns on my midriff, but I did my best. "This says personal and confidential," I warned.

"Medical reports," he answered. "Read it."

 _Brown, Bobby_

 _Sprained ankle_

 _Slipped in beer at The Boobie Bungalow while working on Operation LOL_

 _Treated and released at St. Francis-Trenton_

 _Light duty 2-4 weeks_

"What's Operation LOL?" I asked.

"Just keep reading," Ranger suggested.

 _Santos, Lester_

 _Rohypnol poisoning_

 _Drink altered at The Roaring Donkey Bar while working on Operation LOL_

 _Treated overnight at St. Francis-Trenton_

 _Light duty for 72 hours_

"Someone tried to date rape Lester?" I asked. "Can a man even get it up if he's drugged?"

Ranger's arms wrapped around me as his lips lowered to my neck. "No idea," he answered. "I've never had either problem. A question for Les, perhaps?" I laughed, I'd definitely ask him. "Keep reading."

I went back to the report. Cal got a concussion playing volleyball in the volleyball tourney and Binkie had an allergic reaction to some tree nuts that were in the brownies he bought at the church sale. The odd thing about these reports were that they were both listed under Operation LOL too.

Finally, I got to the last entry or entries, I should say. Hal threw out his back, was treated and released from St. Francis, then follow up treatment was provided by a masseuse. He was admitted a couple nights later to Helene Fuld Hospital where he had his stomach pumped for alcohol poisoning. He's listed as being on light duty until further notice. These incidents, however, weren't due to Operation LOL, they were part of Operation S.H.I.T.

"Operation shit?" I asked.

Ranger's arms tightened around me, his lips kissed a line up and down the back of my neck, before he answered. "Click the next tab. I pulled up the incident reports."

I did as he asked while he got back to nibbling on my neck. "You're making it difficult to read," I grumbled at him.

"I can't help myself," he answered.

"I doubt that. You have the self-control of a saint."

"I've never had much self-control where you're concerned," he growled as his hands slipped higher, sending jolts of pleasure through me. "Now that you're mine there's no use fighting what little I have."

He spun me around, his hands suddenly moving to my face, capturing it in a gentle clasp. The fire in his eyes mixed with the tension that was still present. It made him look so incredibly hot he was impossible to resist. Not that I was about to resist anyway. Those days were over. "I can read this later," I offered.

"Later," he agreed before his lips lowered to mine.

8888888888888888888888

I looked down at Stephanie, snuggled in our bed asleep, and smiled to myself. She had a way of making a man feel better. Which was good for me, and probably my men. If it weren't for the last hour I spent with her they'd all be dead men walking.

I knew it would take some time for all of them to come around to the changes in my life, but with the expiration of my contract I couldn't put off what I wanted any longer. Stephanie's relationship with Morelli was never constant, but I'd heard rumors about their mothers planning a wedding even before I left for that last mission. I swore to myself that as long as she didn't have a wedding ring on her finger when I got home I'd make her mine.

It took a lot less convincing than I thought it would. I walked into Vinnie's, her eyes met mine, and I said, "Babe." The smile on her face said it all. She was as happy to see me as I was her. I had her in my arms a moment later. We were both taken in by the moment. The jubilance of finally being able to share the love we felt for one another had me barely aware of my surroundings. That moment was only sidetracked for a moment, by Morelli himself.

He laid hands on her, hard enough to leave red fingerprints on her beautiful ivory skin. I didn't think twice before I punched him in the face. Morelli was out and Steph was safely back in my arms, where she'll stay forever if I have my way.

We crawled into my car and I caught her lips with mine. By the time we came up for air we were somehow in my apartment at RangeMan. That's when she finally said the words I've been dying to hear. "I love you, Ranger." As soon as she said them I saw the relief in her eyes. Then she told me she'd been in love with me for years, afraid to tell me the truth. That was when I knew there was no need to take things slowly.

I dropped to my knees, right there in my bedroom and took her hand in mine. "Marry me?" I asked. I never thought marriage was something I'd want to do ever again, but this was a completely different situation and Steph was a completely different woman. My woman.

"Yes," she answered. I didn't have a ring, because this was the most impromptu thing I'd ever done, but I remedied that the next morning. I served her a Boston Crème doughnut with a side of diamonds in bed. She picked up the ring box and opened it slowly. The smile on her face eclipsed even the dazzle of the diamonds. "It's beautiful," she whispered to me. I took it and put it on her finger. She never even spared the doughnut a glance as she pushed the tray away and dragged me onto the bed.

I let her sidetrack me with a private engagement celebration, but only for an hour. We had other plans for the day. I'd been a busy man that morning, procuring not only the ring, but a marriage license signed by a judge that owed me a favor. The waiting period had been waved and we had an appointment with the same judge later that day. Ella had been sent out for the three most important things: a dress, shoes to fit a queen, and a wedding cake topped with enough buttercream frosting to make Stephanie's toes curl.

We were married at two o'clock at the Trenton courthouse. Of course, things never went smoothly for us. We were trying to leave when we ran into her ex-husband, Dickie Orr. The bastard immediately took a picture and sent it to Morelli of people, then proceeded to say some very unflattering things about my wife. Orr was face down in his own drool by the time Morelli arrived on the scene.

Where Orr was an insignificant, pebble in my shoe, Morelli was an out-of-control, burning meteorite aimed right at my wife. Morelli immediately tore into Stephanie, calling her names, calling me names, telling her he'd ruin her life by putting her scumbag husband in prison. The threats against me didn't matter, but then he said he'd find her and he'd make her his again. That was the final straw. He was never getting near her again. Stephanie called the police while I restrained him. Of course, the moment the other police arrived on the scene I let him go, allowing him to punch me, just once. He was handcuffed and arrested for assaulting all of us, including Orr.

I knew Morelli would continue to be a problem so I immediately called Tank and put Operation Fatal Attraction Revenge Texts into play. I know, I shouldn't allow Santos to name the operations, but he does have such fun with them.

So with F.A.R.T. in motion it was time to get my woman out of town. The next day we stopped at the station to give our statements and took off for the shore, where our new home was located. I planned two weeks on the beach, just the two of us, a pre-honeymoon getaway. I figured the men could handle two weeks without me. They've held down the fort longer than that when I was on missions, but it seems without Stephanie to protect they'd gotten a little out of line.

I didn't even disagree with Operation LOL, Life Over Lula. Tank needed to move on. I wanted him to find someone as special as I have, but the way Lester and Bobby went about it. Well, we were going to have some discussions, on the mats.

I didn't put all my blood, sweat, and money into building this company so the pair of them could ruin its reputation in a matter of weeks. We were considered elite security, not fumbling idiots who hang out at places called The Boobie Bungalow. They are going to pay for that one, especially since they used their corporate cards to pay for lap dances.

And, now, what in the world was their new mission? Operation Self Help in Trenton? I'm not even sure I want to know. They should still be focused on F.A.R.T. Just because we put it into motion didn't mean it was yet complete. The text messages, photos, and videos we'd collected of Morelli were sent to Terri Gilman's family as well as to the Police Chief. I suspect they will take care of Morelli for me, but there needs to be surveillance. Yes, more surveillance and less…frat boy antics.

I sighed, there was nothing else to do, but go home early. And they would pay for cutting into my time with my wife too.

"Ranger," Stephanie called. "Come back to bed. You promised to quit sneaking off on me."

I smiled and closed the laptop. I'd deal with the jokers later. "I wasn't sneaking off," I called back before heading back into our room. "I was just letting you rest up for round two."

She lifted the sheet, inviting me back into bed while also giving me a very good view of what she was offering. "Round two," she replied. "And I plan to pin you this time."

"Maybe I'll let you," I grinned before tackling her back onto the bed. Trenton could wait, a few hours.

88888888888888888888

I tossed Bobby's crutches into the back of the SUV and smiled to myself as I climbed in with my buddies. This week has been amazing. Minus the injuries, but I knew we had to take risks to get the desired results. And the results have been a set of stacked twins, an Asian masseuse that was flexible enough to have been in Cirque du Soleil, and a bombshell that turned out to be Miss New Jersey. I was on a roll and I wasn't about to slow down now.

"I'm not sure I'm up to another night," Hal complained. "My back is killing me."

The whole point of Operation Self Help in Trenton was to help Hal. He was completely self-helpless. He needed to be trained in the ways of seduction and who better to train him than Bobby and me? We got his haircut, bought him some new threads, and tried to show him how to speak with a woman. I admit I should have been paying more attention to him the first night out, but I was busy with the twins. Little did I know that while I was occupied he was talking up the Heavy Weight Mudwrestling Champion of Trenton.

Of course, right when I'm getting ready to work myself into the center of a Missy and Lacie sandwich Woody starts yelling my name. I look up and see Hal is in the ring with Bettina the Great. Hal could have taken her, but he's way too much of a gentleman to fight a woman. And, Bettina, damn! I ain't never seen a woman that could body slam a man Hal's size.

By the time we fished him out of the mud pit he could barely walk. He thought he pinched a nerve or something, so we had Tank haul him into the hospital. (I had plans with two sets of double D's.) Of course, with sciatica there is only one solution…a good deep tissue rub down. So the next morning I took him to The Massage Spot. That's where I met the bendy Ms. Sia and it was a very happy ending, for me anyway.

Hal wasn't as lucky. I ordered him a double, so a pair of girls hopped onto his back, using their feet to dig into his sore muscles. I could hear him screaming, but I thought he was having a good time. I swear. By the time I got him out of there he was worse off than before. I wasn't sure what else I could do for him, but I wasn't about to give up.

Instead of something crazy I figured we'd try a classy place. So we got in our black ties and headed to the opening of a new club that we'd installed the security equipment in. There was no way the women in that joint were wrestlers. They were all smoking-hot little things in tight dresses and tall heels, just the way I like them.

While I went home with Miss New Jersey I left Hal in the capable hands of Miss Wisconsin, a girl that could really hold her liquor. An hour later I got a call from Cal, who was headed to the ER. Miss Wisconsin had given Hal alcohol poisoning and he was busy getting his stomach emptied. I guess the pain pills he was on for his back really don't mix with beer. I always thought that was a bunch of bull.

I'd given the poor sap the night off last night, but we were back at it tonight. I figured the best idea was to stay away from booze, since Hal couldn't have it. So we were headed to the park, where a single mom group was having a picnic. It was a good plan. A mom would never hurt Hal. They're all maternal and crap.

Or so I thought. We put the meat on the grill and set up the food Ella had ordered for us. That's right. I'm a classy guy. I give back to the community. We weren't just there to hit on the moms, we were providing some community service volunteering to help out with the event. So, fine, we couldn't get in any other way, but Ranger would love this publicity. He's always yapping at me about the community commitment we have. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Twenty minutes into set up the moms started to arrive. The tent was surrounded by lovely women in their sexual prime. And they were primed. I got fifteen numbers tucked into my pocket in the first forty-five minute. I knew this was an excellent idea.

"Hal," a good looking brunette called waving to him. "What are you doing? You're supposed to be in bed."

Nice opening, but Hal didn't take it. He turned a nice shade of red. "Hello, Evelyn," he muttered quietly. "I didn't know you were a single mom."

"I've been divorced for three years," she answered. "Come sit with me and my daughter. You shouldn't be on your feet.

Evelyn? Nice. Where's he been hiding this one? "Go," I told him.

Cal smiled as he watched them walk away together. "I told her about the cookout the other night."

"How'd you meet?" I asked suspiciously.

"She was his nurse at Helene Fuld the other night," Cal said. "She's Steph's cousin, Evelyn Mazur."

Stephanie's cousin? Unbelievable. "I guess that wraps up Operation Self Help in Trenton," Bobby said happily. He looked around at the other men. "Who's next?"

"Not me," Cal told us. "No way. It's Brown's turn."

"Don't you look at me," Bobby complained.

"Come on, what happened to Goonies never die?" I asked with a laugh.

"They don't die, they're just crated off, naked, to some third world country," a familiar voice said, startling the smile off his face. I turned around to face Ranger. Crap. "Let's have a talk about the reports I got this morning."

"I can explain," I offered.

"In the office," he growled at me.

"Nothing happened," I offered.

"In the office."

Crap. He was mad. "You didn't need to come home early. I had it under control."

A muscle in his jaw twitched and his hands clenched into a fist. "Move."

"Now, why don't you take the night to settle down a little bit?" I asked. "Stephanie, can't you calm him down or something."

She smiled wickedly. "I doubt it would work. He's been stewing since he saw his bill from The Boobie Bungalow."

I chanced a look at Ranger. His left eye was twitching. Crap. "I can explain that. I'll pay it back."

He ignored me and turned back to the guys. "Brown, you too. The rest of you, good work with your community service."

I watched Brown hobble over on his crutches. I waited for him to catch up before following along behind Steph and Ranger. I knew this wasn't going to be pretty.

Bobby knew it too. He gave me a look that said he was going to kick my ass when Ranger was done. **"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"**

*** XOC13 Tag You're It. Hope I gave you something to work with. Have fun.***


End file.
